hislordshiprobertcrawley:

            Robert waits for her to turn but the instant she does he resumes his hurried walk to the library. He doesn’t look back. Once he’s well into the room, far away from the rest of the party, he turns and is gratified to find that Jane has followed him. He smiles at her briefly. “Don’t worry. You aren’t in any sort of trouble. I only thought we…we ought to know where we stand…with one another…”

            He sighs and runs a hand through his hair before going to the sideboard and pouring a drink. If he confessed first wouldn’t that make her feel as though she had to reciprocate? Or would it encourage her to be more open? No, he’d wait for her. If she didn’t want this he wouldn’t continue with it.

“Don’t worry. You aren’t in any sort of trouble.”

A smile of relief comes across her. She’s glad that that isn’t the case but she does have a feeling of what might come instead. Whether her suspicion is correct or incorrect, all she can do is wait for him to confirm it as gradually, she tenses again. She carefully moves her hands behind her, out of sight, so he can’t see her doing her best to keep them still.

“I only thought we…we ought to know where we stand…with one another…”

A nod is the first reaction she gives on the matter. He’s right, they ought to know where they stand with one another, particularly so after the dance… even if she had come to some sort of conclusion by the end of it.

She watches him sigh, run his hand through his neat hair and then to fetch himself a drink. It’s evident that this is troubling him more than it should and Jane feels guilty for all of this. He’s a married man - a Lord, for goodness sake! She wishes that this didn’t cause him so much distress; she feels - no, it is her fault for feeling this way towards him and she wants to comfort him, to relieve him of such stress, in as best a way as possible. But the question of how can love be controlled surfaces? In any case, it’s not right for the man she loves and admires to be bothered and burdened because of their lack of communication - most probably on her part.

So she’ll tell it to him straight, won’t she? He has stated that he wishes to know what their terms are so she’ll come with it quick and clear - it’ll be painless. It’s better this way - then there’ll no room for misunderstanding. It’ll be clear once and for all. It was wrong to start with, a Lord and a maid. Whoever had heard of that. She won’t think more than once about him once they’ve cleared this up, seeing as she will most likely be out of the house as soon as possible once she has confessed. There will certainly be no lingering thoughts as to what the other might have meant from a gaze or word or two from thereafter.

She lifts her head up a little higher, having lowered it when she gazed at the floor for a moment, whilst processing her thoughts. She’ll be bold and come clean with it as she had promised herself earlier. It was also a promise she had made to herself a while ago when she proposed a possibility to herself that she might be asked for her thoughts on the matter bluntly. She brings her hands forward by her sides as she nods again, smile gone and swallowing nervously before giving her reply, a look of guilt in her eyes.

“I’m still very much in love with you.”

There, she’d said it. Now, she waited for her formal dismissal.

hislordshiprobertcrawley:

The dance with Jane had left him reeling with questions- questions that only she could answer. More than once he tries to meet her eyes from across the room but she wouldn’t look up. The line of maids was thinning as more and more people went to dance and soon Jane was left by herself. It was the perfect opportunity to settle all of this. Robert quietly made his way to the library,pausing just behind Jane. Touching her would be too noticeable so he swallowed before whispering, “Come…please.”

If anyone had heard that they would both be ruined. But both of their reputations had been in jeopardy of being tarnished for some time now. Being caught speaking together would be far less incriminating than other incidents they might have been caught in. He’d been avoiding a confrontation with his past actions, and by extension, had been avoiding her. Now that he was more certain of his feelings he had to settle this and the first step in that was determining what Jane felt.

She didn’t mind sitting at the side and watching all too much; in fact, by this point, she realised how surprisingly tiring such dances were - since she didn’t attend them often - and found more entertainment - as well as comfort - in observing. In short, she was quite content by herself, and with her thoughts.

“Come… please.”

Jane felt herself freeze at the sudden voice and a shiver run through her person when she realised who the words were whispered by: His Lordship. Already she feels nervous and the questions she had previously pushed to the back of her mind had surfaced again, much to her annoyance. But this was something she couldn’t ignore, nor would she. Although hesitant, there was an underlying urgency in his tone that clearly did not wish for another word to be expressed in order for her to come. 

She turns a few delayed seconds after, still in time to catch where he is going, and as if guiltily, looks around her to confirm that no one was watching before following him. And when she sees him again, she isn’t quite sure what to say because the circumstances aren’t part of the norm.

• anna | christmas tree
• join the other open paragraphs and be sociable

hislordshiprobertcrawley:

 Of course she’s nervous. It suddenly hits him how self indulgent he’s been. He’s been so terribly worried about trying to communicate what she means to him that he hasn’t paused to think that it’s possible he means nothing to her. What stupid vanity!

But then she looks up at him and quietly asks, “Yes…My Lord?” and he can see that something has changed in her, though he isn’t certain what.

“I…I hope you’re enjoying yourself. I hope I haven’t been a disappointment.” That’s all he can manage. It’s not what he wants to say to her but it’s what he settles for. If only he could speak to her privately for a moment, to explain and more importantly to find out what she is feeling.

He realizes that they’ve been looking into one another’s eyes for some time now. All he can think of is that night so long ago, the night that could have been. She had wanted him with her that night but could she still want him?

The dance is slowly coming to a close and despite how trying this situation has been, he has enjoyed being able to hold her.

“I…I hope you’re enjoying yourself. I hope I haven’t been a disappointment.”

Jane, against what is expected of her, finds herself a little bitter in trying to come to an answer. No, of course she isn’t disappointed, and she tells him that with a smile: “I have enjoyed myself very much, thank you. And of course not, my Lord; you could never disappoint.”

But at the same time, she feels as if she has lied to him; and it makes her feel worse because she is dishonest to him. Though it is true she had very much enjoyed their dance, for it came as a pleasant surprise, she is disappointed by the fact that it did not happen. Whatever this it was, she couldn’t say, but she knew it was to do with the admittedly strange but nonetheless welcomed (for her at least) relationship she had with him.

“Not to me, anyway,” she quietly adds, for some reason known not even to her. Perhaps she had interpreted him wrongly after all. It was just a slip of the fingers, she tells herself.

The music ends and Jane pulls her eyes away from him, onto the floor, as they return their hands to their sides and both incline their heads to one another as a gesture of farewell. Thus the dance ends and they must part, and Jane is reminded of who she is exactly when she stands with her colleagues again, the other maids.

She doesn’t dare look at him for too long again because his message has been made crystal clear.

hislordshiprobertcrawley:

“I’m glad to hear it.”  he adds with a smile. Even though he has a loose grip on her hand, as the waltz dictates, he can still tell that she’s trembling. His eyes flicker between their clasped hands and her face. “You’re certain you’re well?” he asks, seriously.

He must have been too subtle. He doesn’t blame her for not understanding what he’s trying to convey. After all, Cora is in the same room. His wife is in the same room but it doesn’t matter. Well it does matter. He is a married man. He glances up at Cora and then back to Jane. God, what had happened? When had he fallen out of love with his wife and in love with the maid?

And he did love her. “Jane, I…” He swallows, unsure of how to continue. He looks down at her and slowly runs a thumb over the knuckles of her hand that he holds.

“You’re certain you’re well?”

Her eyes were elsewhere when he asked her that. His inflection caused her to look up immediately, and to stare for a little too long; a hint of fear, as it were, in her blue eyes; her mouth parted a fraction; her breath caught. They were only to return to the floor after, in embarrassment when she quietly replies, “I’m fine… must be just the nerves.” After telling him so, she glances back at him with a small smile, in an attempt to reassure him - or herself, she’s not sure; or it might be both. And they return to nearly completing the waltz.

Knowing this, Jane isn’t quite sure whether she’s happy, or not, that they will have to part soon. She wouldn’t dare to admit it but it was true that she found comfort and warmth in being so close to him, despite the waves of nerves she was getting at the same time; and was reluctant to leave him. Yet, as she has been fearing for the entire dance, she would then, at least, be saved from making a fool of herself directly in front of him, and that came as a relief. But would she not rather the risk than let go of this warmth she found in him that she may not find in another man, let alone dance partner? 

“Jane, I…”

No matter how quiet, she hears; for him, she will always hear. Again, she looks up and it is also then that she decides she will try and maintain eye contact for the little remainder of the dance. It is unlikely that they will dance again for the night and it was only manners to keep an amicable smile in this convivial atmosphere they were in. So there should be no harm in doing so.

However, any action from him that was not instructed by the dance was not anticipated and naturally, it took her by surprise.

She doesn’t gasp aloud but her breath is caught (as it has done so a number of times during this night in his presence) and her stare is redirected to their joined hands: his thumb trailing along the last of her knuckles. This… wasn’t common in this form of dancing… was it? Or did the Upper Class have different ways of doing things? As much as she may have wanted to believe that, and as vain as it may have sounded, Jane knew - felt that it was quite the contrary. There was something to this minuscule action, but she wasn’t quite sure how to fully interpret it, least of all embrace it.

Hadn’t they - he, put it behind him? After that small adventure, it was sure to be the end of it for him. She could tell, she was sure of it. True, it might not have been the same case for her, but she had forced herself to bury it in the very back of her mind and she came to cope with it, didn’t she? In that respect, it was not so dissimilar. So what was this supposed to mean?

Can she be blamed for her feelings brought back into light? Should she be ashamed of herself, having so strongly suppressed them before, only to fail and allow them to be confronted again - basically failing herself? More importantly, should she be ashamed that she had hoped he hadn’t put it behind him, that in the least likeliest ways possible, it was possible between them?

“Be careful Jane, with what you do.”

Kind and wise words spring to mind. The most sensible thing to do, and inarguably correct too, was to say and do nothing: do nothing and no unwanted consequences will come her way. Equally, do nothing and she’ll have missed an opportunity, a chance, and end up with regret. Which did she rather?

“Life is short Jane, you should live every day as if it were your last.”

Certainly not regret, there was enough of that in her life; however she would have to be very careful in what she did and where; and only if her interpretation of his actions were correct. Furthermore, she decided that she would only go as far as he would.

“Yes… My Lord?” she almost breathed back, slowly meeting his eyes.

theheadhousemaid:

“Thank you for coming,” said Anna, when they opened the storage room’s door to get out of the ladder. “I always forget that it’s that big. I couldn’t carry this through the house alone.”
They took out the ladder, which was quite heavy, even for two people. On the way back, Anna decided to start a conversation in order to lead their thoughts away from the heavy ladder.
“Have you ever taken part in a Secret Santa?” she asked.

Jane shook her head when Anna thanks her, moving alongside her to take a firm grip on one side of the large ladder before shifting it an inch together.

“There’s no need to thank me,” she said as they gradually began to move it. With two bodies, the transportation of the ladder back to where the Christmas Tree was relatively quick.

“No, this is my first,” she replied earnestly in response to Anna’s question as to whether she’d participated in a Secret Santa before. “But I do understand the rules, and it is a rather good idea. Do you do it every year?”

hislordshiprobertcrawley:

It was something of a relief to him that she seemed as anxious as he did. “You’re very kind, your Lordship. Thank you.” she said quietly, her eyes flickering upwards for a moment, a brief smile appearing on her face. Her timid smile made something jump in his chest. He blushed and was grateful that she had lowered her eyes.

There it was. He did feel something for her. This was also a relief. At the very least he wasn’t a complete villain. “It’s nothing. How have you been? Any news from Freddie?” he returned, making an attempt to appear casual. At the same time he wanted Jane to know-to know that she did mean something to him. But what could he do here, now? He glanced around quickly to make certain no one was looking at them. As they completed a spin, Robert subtly pulled her slightly closer to him.

She doesn’t know whether she would much rather dance silently with him, or to have some idle chatter between them as they have now. It’d be quite awkward to be so silent, yes, and it might make them rather uncomfortable with each other too but it would at least save them - or her, just her, rather, from making any mistakes, or the sort. However, the chatter was equally nice, it reflected the fact that there was nothing between them. Nothing like that.

“I’ve… been well, thank you,” she replies, glancing up at him again. She would have very much liked to return the question but it might have sounded a little strange, given the fact that those below stairs didn’t normally ask such unnecessary questions with those above; not to mention the fact that another question needed answering. “Freddie is doing very well too, he’s excelling rather wonderfully at school. It’s nice of you to ask.” Jane, stop talking, she chastises herself, it’s unnecessary and he isn’t interested, and your phrasing your words badly. You’re making a fool of yourself.

She glances away again as they complete a spin, making sure that she doesn’t step in the wrong place or on his shiny shoes, and waiting. Waiting for what though? An answer? An answer to what, exactly, if that were the case? Waiting for another word of conversation? Jane didn’t know. She was quite confused tonight with what her thoughts were precisely and how she felt towards everything that was happening.

It doesn’t escape her notice that she’s become closer to him than previous, despite how subtle it may have been. She finds herself strangely observant on such matters, that she must tilt her head even further back just to look at him, because of their difference in height. It wasn’t like so before, and she finds that her hand shakes a little.

hislordshiprobertcrawley:

“I…would very much like to, your Lordship.” Robert sighed. He hadn’t realized he had been holding his breath until he heard her answer. Her small hand slipped gracefully into his. Looking at her eyes he realized he had made a mistake. He shouldn’t be leading her on like this. He had put her in a terrible position; it would have been an incredible slight on her part to refuse him. But was he leading her on or…did he really feel something for her? Lord, they hadn’t even begun dancing and he was already dizzy. Robert closed his eyes for a moment, attempting to compose himself.

“You look very nice…Jane.” he said hesitantly. He swallowed, gently placing a hand on her arm. He was all too aware of how close she was and how many others were watching them as they began to dance

“You look very nice… Jane.”

Now it was her turn to hesitate. It would be awfully rude to not look into one’s eyes when talking, especially to someone of a class higher than oneself who deserved the respect, let alone a dance partner. But Jane was worried, for both their sakes, if anything was to come out of their gazing for too long. 

No, that wouldn’t happen, it was most likely just her, who fussed over this; who had the tiniest flicker of hope despite the chaos she knew it would bring along with it. She was over-thinking, and in turn, making herself nervous as her hope grew; making the possibilities seem more probable because she ruminated over them.

She must disregard those thoughts immediately. She is in the wrong and it will never happen, it can’t. The invitation to dance is nothing more than what it appears to be on the surface. There is no underlying message. But the what ifs still lingered as they slowly moved.

“You’re very kind, your Lordship. Thank you,” she replied, a small sincere smile returned in his way for the brief moment their eyes are on each other’s. They then falter, however, onto his chest as they waltz slowly whilst Jane forces away those thoughts and focuses on the movement of her feet instead, so that she didn’t embarrass herself.

This is nothing more but a dance, she tells herself, nothing more Jane. 

theheadhousemaid:

janemoorsum:

“Not too long I suppose,” she replies, “just around an hour or so more’s journey on the bus.”

Jane finished stringing up the baubles she had taken with two trips back to the box and stood back; looking at her side of the tree, studying whether it was fine as it was without overdoing it.

“Do you think this is enough?” she asked for a second opinion.

Anna took a few steps back, too and stood next to Jane, observing the tree. The lower parts were well-decorated, while the upper branches needed some more baubles and ribbons.

“I think it is,” she said. “But we need to string some up to the upper branches, too. I’ll go and get a ladder.”
Or maybe one of our boys, she added in thoughts, although she was willing to do the upper branches, too and she assumed that Jane would be as well. She didn’t want Mrs. Hughes to see any of them on the ladder - she would ask them why they didn’t ask a man. However, Mrs. Hughes would climb, too, Anna thought.

Jane nods in agreement. Indeed, the lower parts were very well decorated, and when compared with the top, it seemed rather… spaced out.

“I’ll go and get a ladder.”

“I’ll come with you,” Jane said, glancing at the floor to make sure the box of decorations were under the tree and out of harm’s way. “You might need the hand,” she tells her; and off the girls were in fetching the ladder.